You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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