Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
