hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
