you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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