I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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