I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
