So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
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