More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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