its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize