I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize