News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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