I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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