can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize