Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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