that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
