I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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