According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
