Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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