how can u be prego again
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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