margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
