Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
