Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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