I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
