had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
