If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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