The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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