Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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