Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
