Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
