Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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