Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
