Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
