her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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