Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
