3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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