He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
