it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize