IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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