oh fat girl friday strikes again...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
