Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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