Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
