I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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