Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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