I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
