Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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