Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
