1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
