Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
