i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
