Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Acid is not a monday night drug
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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