Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
