I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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