Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I think I just sharted jello shots
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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