Don't make out with my wife yet
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
