I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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