and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
this boner is exhausting
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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