if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
