you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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