my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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