and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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