he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
