Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
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