Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i've created a new STD.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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